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Follow Your Heart. Name: Age: Country: School: Occupation: {seize} the moment blurb Precious Wings Ride A Sleigh Velvethyst Dragon's Breath J Squared Dragon Clan Lyrical Life ((witness))the b l i s s Masked-Wishes hottboba369 LkAeriLuvsU what's WILLIS Seeing Things In A New Light zZsleepiegirlZz Hey Mikey Likes It Abe-e's Xanga Blogger Blogskins DynamicDrive March 05, 2003 March 14, 2003 March 17, 2003 March 21, 2003 March 24, 2003 March 28, 2003 March 30, 2003 March 31, 2003 April 04, 2003 April 06, 2003 April 07, 2003 April 08, 2003 April 09, 2003 April 13, 2003 April 16, 2003 April 17, 2003 April 19, 2003 April 20, 2003 April 22, 2003 April 24, 2003 April 26, 2003 April 27, 2003 April 30, 2003 May 01, 2003 May 07, 2003 May 11, 2003 May 26, 2003 June 11, 2003 June 13, 2003 June 14, 2003 June 15, 2003 June 16, 2003 June 18, 2003 June 20, 2003 June 22, 2003 June 23, 2003 June 24, 2003 June 26, 2003 June 27, 2003 June 28, 2003 June 30, 2003 July 01, 2003 July 03, 2003 July 05, 2003 July 07, 2003 July 09, 2003 July 10, 2003 July 12, 2003 July 13, 2003 July 14, 2003 July 16, 2003 July 17, 2003 July 19, 2003 July 20, 2003 July 25, 2003 July 27, 2003 July 29, 2003 July 30, 2003 July 31, 2003 August 01, 2003 August 03, 2003 August 04, 2003 August 05, 2003 August 06, 2003 August 07, 2003 August 09, 2003 August 11, 2003 August 12, 2003 August 13, 2003 August 16, 2003 August 17, 2003 August 18, 2003 August 19, 2003 August 20, 2003 August 21, 2003 August 23, 2003 August 30, 2003 September 01, 2003 September 09, 2003 September 16, 2003 September 21, 2003 September 23, 2003 September 25, 2003 September 30, 2003 October 01, 2003 October 02, 2003 October 05, 2003 October 09, 2003 October 12, 2003 October 13, 2003 October 15, 2003 October 19, 2003 October 21, 2003 October 23, 2003 October 26, 2003 November 02, 2003 November 12, 2003 November 16, 2003 November 18, 2003 November 20, 2003 November 23, 2003 November 29, 2003 December 02, 2003 December 07, 2003 December 10, 2003 December 22, 2003 December 24, 2003 December 25, 2003 December 29, 2003 December 31, 2003 January 06, 2004 January 07, 2004 January 13, 2004 January 18, 2004 January 20, 2004 January 26, 2004 January 29, 2004 February 01, 2004 February 03, 2004 February 08, 2004 February 11, 2004 February 14, 2004 February 18, 2004 February 19, 2004 February 21, 2004 February 24, 2004 February 28, 2004 March 01, 2004 March 04, 2004 March 06, 2004 March 08, 2004 March 10, 2004 March 14, 2004 March 23, 2004 March 25, 2004 April 02, 2004 April 12, 2004 April 14, 2004 April 15, 2004 April 18, 2004 April 19, 2004 April 22, 2004 April 24, 2004 April 26, 2004 April 29, 2004 April 30, 2004 May 05, 2004 May 07, 2004 May 11, 2004 May 15, 2004 May 17, 2004 June 01, 2004 June 04, 2004 June 08, 2004 June 09, 2004 June 14, 2004 June 21, 2004 June 28, 2004 July 01, 2004 July 05, 2004 July 09, 2004 July 14, 2004 July 18, 2004 July 21, 2004 July 23, 2004 August 01, 2004 August 04, 2004 August 11, 2004 August 18, 2004 August 24, 2004 August 29, 2004 September 05, 2004 September 13, 2004 September 23, 2004 September 25, 2004 October 03, 2004 October 09, 2004 October 17, 2004 October 19, 2004 October 20, 2004 October 22, 2004 October 31, 2004 November 02, 2004 November 10, 2004 November 15, 2004 November 20, 2004 December 02, 2004 December 03, 2004 December 11, 2004 December 25, 2004 December 29, 2004 January 01, 2005 January 07, 2005 January 11, 2005 January 15, 2005 January 20, 2005 January 24, 2005 February 02, 2005 February 03, 2005 February 07, 2005 February 16, 2005 April 10, 2005 April 12, 2005 April 16, 2005 April 21, 2005 May 01, 2005 May 02, 2005 July 01, 2005 July 04, 2005 July 07, 2005 July 12, 2005 July 16, 2005 July 18, 2005 October 24, 2006 February 14, 2007 May 20, 2007 May 27, 2007 May 29, 2007 December 27, 2007 designed by: dreamwalker game scripted by: Lancer game script from: syahidah time & calendar scripts from: DynamicDrive  |
Or something else...? There is this feeling that I am...feeling. And I can barely describe it. I don't know what to call it. Its like, a deep seated feeling. Almost innate. Almost automatic too. Its part desire; desire to constantly check up on her. A desire to know whats going on, what shes thinking, what shes doing. I definitely miss her. But at the same time part of me loathes her. Its a Love/Hate thing. Part of me wants to say "its love". Love isn't just purely positive, right? I don't even know anymore. Is this love? Or something else. Follow Your Heart. . I'm just waiting for the break down...i can feel it counting down inside me. Who's gonna help me stop it? probably no one. I can only turn to one... Part of me never wants you to get over me. But thats because part of me is never going to get over you. Most of me wants you back. But the rest of me thinks i don't deserve a second chance. I'm stuck...waiting for this bomb to blow up... or maybe its blown up already...and im already living in Armageddon...im just oblivious...and a fool. Follow Your Heart. . Even still...im not ready. is it too soon...even for me? i thought i was ok... finding others and moving along...even if they doomed to failure i thought it would bring me some solace. hanging out with new people...i thought that would do the same. i bought a BUNCH of new things for myself...a new desk...new couch...the room looks SO good...no more clutter fuck. maybe its just...in the middle of me being busy...i forget about my sorrows. but they're still there...and they definately resurface...especially in the wee hours of the morning when i got nothing to do but think... i definately wish i could get it back...then again i gotta say...does me saying it help my situation at all? of course not..."dont say things like that to discourage yourself" right? God only knows how much I miss you. EVEN I DONT KNOW...all i know...its fucking alot. Things have to change...whether back to the way it is...or to move on completely...none of this in between shit. I kinda want the former... Follow Your Heart. . I gotta say it. I can't keep quiet. Even if no one ever reads this...at least these words are out there and not completely bottled up. I have a feeling by the end of the night i might at least tell one soul...but he may even forget. I think i made a mistake. im SO fucking self-destructive. If I feel a certain way...I have to cause negativity in my life. I have to self-destruct in some form or another. I honestly have to say that im soooo torn between what was and what is. I get through my day thinking I'm ok. I laugh at work...laugh at home...enjoy a semi decent portion of my day and I can forget about how much of a fool i am. this is the first time ive ever felt this way. its SO freaking weird. im nineteen. i know its naive of me to say this...but i think ive experienced everything a "normal" person has experienced. i always believe that i can handle most any situation because of my observation of what has and what is. but no. im spiraling out of control. I find myself wandering to your realm. reading about you. and seeing how well you're doing. I have people who are there for me...yet these people have their own lives to worry bout...they dont have time to be consoling me every moment of my despair. I cant help but be tortured by the idea of you with someone else. I can't. it wont comprehend. and here I am...trying to get over it even more...pursuing my own path and partner...but even still i feel like my efforts will be in vain. I'm alone...and yet i think you have the whole world with you...keeping you up...im not saying my friends are bad at it...i just think they have better things to do that constantly keep me up. they do keep me up...just not all the time... i can't help but think that I wasn't good enough for you now. that everything i put myself up to be is just flase and fake. im beginning to doubt myself...i feel my health getting worse...and though ive told myself im getting better...deep down im not...im spiraling to my own self destruction..im like a ship stuck in a whirlpool... a ship oblivious and obscenely aware of my impending doom. i want someone to save me...and yet now im super picky about who...one person catches my eye...a couple ive given second thoughts about...and then theres you...whom deep down until i get over this rut of mine will continue to be the one my heart seems to be truly after... but its too late now...words have been said...actions have been taken. i can't let myself succumb to this burning desire which would only further prove my foolishness and desperateness. ive made a huge mistake...the biggest regret ill ever have...theres nothing i could do about my pain and sorrow. i can only hide it...only to have it resurface ten fold and at unpredictable moments. to be honest...this is my first real break up ever in my entire life. love was involved...even more maybe, who knows? only the person that I was a week ago knows. i dont know what to do with myself... Follow Your Heart. Lest you regret all your decisions. . I said I would post more often...but things got a bit better. I noticed that I usually only post when im feeling down. so you can guess where this is going. It sucks. waiting to hear those simple yet seemingnly so complicated three words. it sucks. not hearing them when you want so bad to hear them. are those words even important? are they necessary to hear? why is it that we, as people, always want to hear them? i suppose for me its reassurance. I say it. I want to hear it back. I say it because its how i feel but i also say it because I want to hear it back. Aren't they just words? I suppose she could say any combination of three words...so long as there is THE meaning behind it. She could say "The dark sky" instead of "I Love You". So long as she conveys those feelings to me she could say "the dark sky" even though "the dark sky" isn't even a complete sentence. I just have to know, I guess. I have to hear them. It's my way of knowing if this feeling is returned. Follow Your Heart. . Just dustin off the cobwebs and openin the book again...time for me to vent again. - Follow Your Heart. . Heres a funny story... My dad once invested alot of money into this one pharmaceutical company by way of the stock market. I think he bought some 250 shares @ $20 per share...something like that... well anyway, my dad did a bunch of research on the company, asked around how the company was doing and watched stock reports. In every case, they told him: "This company is great, its for sure going to pay off." Well it didn't. I think right now its at $10 per share. Sucks, doesn't it? He invested so much and it a sense made things worse. I dunno what he has done with the shares though... fuck... - Welcome to 22nd street. Follow Your Heart. . |
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